Mea Maxima Culpa

I have been trying to make it to confession on a regular basis.  Our little church does not have scheduled times for the sacrament, so even though I longed for the sacrament I did not receive it.  I now take a one hour ferry trip and then drive another hour just so I can received the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Nearly 3 years ago I returned to Mass.  For 7 months I did not receive Communion, because even though I asked two or three times the priest never had time for my confession.  To be fair, I was exceedingly shy about asking and probably didn't express my great need.  It was difficult for me, feeling the heavy weight on my soul and the guilt that accompanied the weight, to really press for confession from a priest who didn't seem to want to offer it.  In so many ways I didn't feel worthy of the sacrament, and without realizing it, our priest validated that feeling.

Even today, I stand in line, heart pounding and trying to stay put until it is my turn.  It takes great force of will to stand there and not bolt for the door.  Yes, I make an extra effort to receive the sacrament - but it frightens me every time.  Life experiences exacerabate the normal anxiety, and when I am in the confessional I feel exceptionally vulnerable.  I find that I am in a battle between the wall that threatens to shut down my feeling-heart and the fear that threatens to make me run - to find a way to just sit with the vulnerability is a difficult challenge.  I feel sorry for the priest each time, for I enter and then cannot speak for quite some time as I fight that unseen battle. After "bless me Father for I have sinned", I am struck mute!

But even though it is difficult, I find that this is part of the beauty of the sacrament.  For me, feeling that vulnerability reminds me of my ultimate dependence upon God.  If I can remember that the priest is acting in Persona Christi, then I can pour out my soul to the Lord; let my sins be washed away as part of the very act of accepting my vulnerability and offering that to Jesus.

Of course, in confession we are absolved of our sins, but isn't a big part of this accepting the fact that we are vulnerable?  That we can sit there and humble ourselves a little, reflecting on our faults and failings, and confessing our sincere sorrow for them to another person?  Firmly intending to make up for them, firmly intending to be better, and asking for God's grace in the understanding that we truly cannot do it by ourselves?