Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Dinner

Here is the menu for Christmas Dinner - just the four of us, so we'll have lots of left-overs!

Double-berry salad (raspberry gelatin/cranberry sauce)
Herb-roasted turkey with Glazed Carrots (fresh sage and the last carrots from the garden)
Sausage dressing
Broccoli
Sweet Potato Casserole
Buttermilk biscuits

Two-tone Pound Cake

I'm getting started today, since I'm the only one who cooks, and tomorrow Christmas Mass is at 1pm (we only have the one option here), so that ends up right in the middle of prime cooking time.  Though Father may end on time so he can catch the mid-afternoon ferry back home. :-)

Oh, and I can't forget, I'm also making chocolate chip cookies for Santa. 

If I'm feeling bold tomorrow, I'll post pictures of dinner, a la Fr. Z! 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Covering My Head

I've recently begun to wear a head covering to Mass.  I already did this for times I spent in Eucharistic Adoration, and occasionally for prayer - the chapel veil helps me to keep focus.  Kind of like blinders on a horse, the veil allows me to focus "straight ahead" and not let distractions bother me.  I do not wear a chapel veil for the Mass, though, just a small expandable head band.  Perhaps one day I'll have the courage to wear the veil, but as it is now the small covering is all I manage.  Even in wearing this, I notice some of the more progressive (mostly women) people of this already progressive parish looking askance at me, and some even avoid eye-contact with me. 

I am the reader for Christmas - will I wear a head covering when I read?  I'm not sure yet.  I am praying about it.  What is my motivation?  Why do I want to wear something on my head?  In one way I am trying to lead by example - lead people "back" to a more traditional/orthodox expression of the Faith.  But on the other hand, I am doing it because it helps me and reminds me where I am and in whose presence I am sitting.  Do I have to wear a head covering to remember this?  No, but it helps - and most weeks I need all the help I can get!

Merry Christmas!   

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Why?


He has drawn me closer and closer to Him,
Encouraging my independence from creatures
And my dependence upon the Creator.
He has pulled me further and further in,
Showing me His hand, gentle and strong,
Inviting me to rest within His embrace.
He has called me and helped me to answer,
Not leaving me on my own but always staying with me
Carrying me just as I take a step forward,
Gracing me with strength, courage, wisdom.
He has shown me that I have nothing, am nothing,
Yet am full of all that He is,
Full of all that He has given me.
So why do these tears haunt me?
Why do these questions weigh down my heart?
Why can I not just take what He offers,
Giving myself completely to Him,
Knowing that when I do,
He will give everything to me?

Monday, December 17, 2012

"I Have Sent Your Children to Heal You" (with minor changes)

I don't know how a parent recovers from the loss of a child.  We, parents, are supposed to die first - it is the "natural order".  It is expected that our children will live long, healthy lives years beyond our own.  A parent shouldn't attend their own child's funeral.  These are some of the thoughts that have gone through my mind in the days after the shooting in Newtown, CT.  My heart is broken over this tragedy.  I have found myself in tears, feeling sadness - yes, for the children, their parents, the adults killed, their families, the shooter, his family, the town, etc...  But also for something far deeper and bigger - what is going on with this world we live in?  I have asked this question so many times over the past several months.  I have been thinking of death a lot, and am working on an article which has required me to think of death, hope, faith, suffering....  There are days it is too much and I just want to curl up in a corner and cry.

I must be careful and aware of my internal emotional state.  I tend toward depression and despair, so when things begin feeling "normal" I have to stop and take stock.  It seems my default setting is depression since I have suffered from this illness since my youth.  It is said this can be hereditary, but I wonder how much is nature vs. nurture since both my parents self-medicated with alcohol and though never "diagnosed" with any mental illness, it is quite evident to me that we as a family suffered from one or more psychological conditions.  When a child is brought up in a situation like this, it is "normal" and so any other state seems abnormal.  Is this caused by genetics or is it just a reflection of the environment to which one is exposed - or a combination of both?

It is only in the past three years that I have risen out of the grip of depression.  As I made my way back to Christ, as I re-found my true Father in God, I began to feel a strange sensation:  Hope.  What a wonder hope is!  Hope was not something I remember having much of as I was growing up.  But as long as I can keep my eyes focused on the Cross I can fairly easily find "hope" and that seems for me the key to maintaining a grip on the joy that we are all meant to possess.

But there are times when this hope escapes me - I try to keep my eyes on the Lord but just can't seem to gather the courage - like the past few days.  It all seems so senseless - and it makes me think of the research I have been doing for my article.  This tragedy sends my mind thinking of abortion and physician-assisted suicide.  I am left wondering, praying, doubting, seeking, grasping....

There are logical and rational and practical considerations, but right now they are all out the window.  The idealist in me is devastated.  And I am reminded of something which came to me a couple of years ago in prayer: "I have sent your children to heal you."  This was a personal message for me, and it has personal implications and meanings, but as I have thought and felt and cried my way through the news of this tragedy, this "message" returned to my thoughts and I began to wonder --  what are we to do if we are killing our children?  How shall we ever be healed?  How deep is the evil ingrained in us when we turn on our own children? Our future? This pain I feel is the same pain I have felt when considering the numbers of children who have been killed by their own mothers - the pain I have felt when trying to gather people together for pro-life prayers, and none have come - the pain I have felt wondering what this world is coming to if we cannot protect and cherish and love the most precious and innocent life there is.  It is a pain I am unable to bear on my own - a pain which runs deep - a pain which threatens to engulf me.  A pain which can only be mitigated through prayer, and a practice of and trust in Faith...Hope...and Love.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Now for something completely different....

Ever wondered what I do in my spare time?  Didn't think so, but here is a picture of something I've been working on most of my life...one day I'll be able to grab my foot, right?  :-)

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Excerpt from Psalm 51 (Knox translation, 50)

Have mercy on me, O God,
as thou art ever rich in mercy;
in the abundance of thy compassion,
blot out the record of my misdeeds.
Wash me clean,
cleaner yet, from my guilt,
purge me of my sin,
the guilt which I freely acknowledge,
the sin which is never lost to my sight.
Thee only have my sins offended;
it is thy will I have disobeyed;
thy sentence was deserved,
and still when thou givest award thou hast right on thy side.
For indeed, I was born in sin;
guilt was with me already when my mother conceived me.
But thou art a lover of faithfulness,
and now, deep in my heart,
thy wisdom has instructed me.
Sprinkle me with a wand of hyssop,
and I shall be clean;
washed, I shall be whiter than snow;
tidings send me of good news and rejoicing,
and the body that lies in the dust shall thrill with pride.


Purify me, O Lord - create a clean heart in me.  Renew a steadfast spirit in me. 
This is my prayer.  This is my desire: to be with the Lord for all eternity.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Art of the Heavy Rosary

I don't usually come down with illness very often, but when I do I get pretty sick.  So nearly two weeks ago when I began to feel poorly, knowing I had to go off-island to get my windshield-wipers fixed (it is a requirement to have working wipers in the Pacific NW during the rainy season), I just buckled down and focused on getting through whatever I needed to get through.  Well by the time I got back home, I was down for the count for a few days.  Then last Tuesday I suddenly felt better, but remained tired.  I'm still easily fatigued, physically and emotionally, hoping that this will pass soon and I can get back to my usual crazy schedule. 

My prayer life has suffered these past two weeks, and I am easily distracted, unfocused and don't "feel God's Presence" (sorry, I had to :-)!!).  But what I do "feel" is only what I can describe as a heavy weight and sadness that I somehow know is not my own.  I didn't realize it until this morning, since my usual routine is to pray for specific people and their intentions during my Rosary - but for the past few days as I have sat and asked/thought/prayed for what or whom I should pray, what has come to mind is not a single person or a single problem.  What has come to mind is the totality of the world and its slow loss of knowing what is True and right and good - the loss of Faith - the loss of Joy.  I have no idea how to pray for all of this, have difficulty verbalizing what it is I feel, so I just sit and let the heaviness that I feel descend to the Rosary in my hands.  On my own I cannot take this weight, but these small beads, this fragile chain, can.  But it sure makes for a heavy Rosary!! 

I am reminded of Romans 8:26-27  "In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings.  And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God's will." 

I am also reminded of last May when I attempted to gather people together for group praying of the Rosary, and no one showed up (throughout the month, only 1 person came - once).  I sat there that first morning, weeping, and all I could think to do was apologize to Mary and Jesus for the "lack of"...could no one spare 30 minutes to pray?  The feeling I have now is quite similar to the one I had then.  It is what it is.  And all I can do is continue to pray and keep my focus on our Lord and the Cross.  Even though many days it is quite challenging, and that cross is difficult to pick up in its heaviness - though once I remember to look at Jesus, it becomes lighter and easier to carry...I just wish I could remember to look up more often! 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Year of Faith Cont: Make Sunday Mass a Priority

Now that I'm feeling mostly better, I shall continue my comments on Fr P's three suggestions for this Year of Faith.  And it is one with which I agree:  make Sunday Mass a priority.  I do.  The first thing I do when planning a trip that involves a Sunday is to check around for Catholic Churches...and if my older son is with me (or if he is on a trip with his Dad), I am then increasing the level of difficulty by needing to find a Mass with confession prior.  Why is that so hard to find?  Very few parishes offer this.  The last time my son was off without me, I made arrangements for him to have confession before Mass.  I think most priests will accommodate this if asked, but I wonder how many people will actually ask?  But Sunday Mass -yes!  Make it a priority.  It should be the first thing for that day - all other activities must take second fiddle to the one primary "activity" for Sunday (or Saturday anticipatory).  Our island parish only offers one Mass each Sunday, at 1pm.  Many people complain it is inconvenient - so they don't come.  All I have to say to that is then it must not be very important to them - then I suppose the next question is how do we make it important to them?  How do we get people to understand WHY God should be first in their lives?  How do we get people to look at us, look at us knowing we are Catholic, and have them wonder what it is we have that makes us so joyous?  And then leave them wanting to have what we have - to desire that which we desire.  To think:  I want what they have...and to somehow give them the impetus to enter those doors and simultaneously open the doors to their hearts.  Well, that's another blog post :-)!!

But back to Fr P's suggestions.  He also stated that we should stay at our Parish (territorial), even if the priest was a heretic, the singing was atrocious, etc...  At one level, I agree - Christ is present, the Mass is valid, Jesus is fully present in the Eucharist; we should stay and effect change from the inside.  Sure.  Sounds good.  But what if what used to be the favorite part of your week is now something you almost dread?  What if your love of the Liturgy causes you to cry every time you step into this particular parish church for Mass?  What if you have children who begin to parrot back the incorrect/incomplete theology the parish priest preaches?  Luckily my older son is old enough to discuss these things, and my younger son is too young to really pay that much attention.  With children involved, it changes the dynamics a bit.  Much prayer, and thought, have gone into my decision to go to another parish.  I realize that I feel too new, too unsure of myself - that I just don't have the strength to stay here and battle.  Another time, sure, but not now.  I need to be nurtured in my faith, to be helped along.  And when I get that, you know what?  I AM able to participate in Mass at my territorial parish - even with "Gather Us In" or "Abba, Father" being sung; even with questionable theology spouting from the priest's mouth; even when we are usually the only family kneeling - not holding hands - kneeling for communion - staying afterward to pray...if I can nurture my faith elsewhere, at parishes where the Liturgy is loved, respected and cared for, then I find I do have more strength and I'm sure that one day I will have gathered enough strength to try to make changes here.  But now, right now, I just can't...even though it means I travel approximately 3 hours one way to the next nearest Parish.  It is worth it.  I am fed - and from that nourishment I can begin to give back, to teach, to "fight the good fight."

Go to Mass!  Go to confession!  You'll be amazed at what transpires in your life if you consent to making these a priority. 

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

2 A.M.

Have you ever opened yourself in love to another, completely exposing your heart - offering your vulnerability, and been rejected?

Within a second, it occurred to me:  Yes, Lord, you have been here.  And how many times have you opened your heart to me, and I have rejected you?  How many times a day do you open your heart to the world, and how many times are you rejected, scorned, spat-upon, ridiculed?  And yet, you respond with Love.

I'm not a fan of the 2am awakening, but when the Lord reminds me to love others as He has loved me - when He reminds me that I need to keep focused on Him, following his footsteps as He carries His cross and I shoulder my very small one - then, I feel blessed to have been awakened from sound slumber.  Blessed and so very unworthy.  Blessed and completely unequipped for the task at hand.  Blessed and so very thankful.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Year of Faith

One of my favorite Dominican friars :-) wrote a short post on his blog noting three suggestions for the Year of Faith (which began yesterday): http://www.hancaquam.blogspot.com/2012/10/your-year-of-faith.html .
I've wanted to write something on 2 of these suggestions for some time, and reading his post this morning gave me the impetus to finally do so. 

First suggestion:  1).  Commit to making more and better use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. (aka "Confession")  To this suggestion I give a hearty "AMEN"!!  In a previous post I wrote of my own difficulty with this sacrament.  It has gotten easier.  But, still, I find it challenging to approach this sacrament without some level of fear and anxiety.  But I don't let that stop me.  One thing that really helps is a daily examination of conscience.  Another is keeping my focus on Jesus - which is a double edged sword.  One the one side, as I keep my gaze focused on Him, on the Light in which I long to be enveloped, my many failings and faults and shortcomings and sins are so easily seen against the backdrop of Him.  But on the other side is the enormous, unfathomable, indescribable LOVE He has for me.  Just look at the Cross - look at Jesus on the Cross:  there is Love beyond all attempts at description.   I know, really I do, how intimidating that Love can seem.  But that feeling of intimidation does not come from God.

Also, in preparing my older son for his entry into the Church (we have no religious ed available here, so I took on the job of preparing him for Baptism, First Eucharist and Sacrament of Reconciliation), somewhere between the Baltimore Catechism and his old-fashioned (ie all pictures showed kneeling to receive) Eucharist prep book, he decided of his own volition that weekly Confession was the only way to go, and always prior to receiving Eucharist.  He made me think and pray, and now I, too, prefer frequent (weekly if I can get it) Confession.  What I've found is that there seems to be a grace to avoid sin included in the sacrament, for when I have contritely and completely confessed it is much easier to avoid sin...at least for a day or two!  So, yes, please, frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  You will notice a distinct difference in your spiritual life if you commit to regular use of the Sacrament.

Fr. P, in his post, noted he hears confessions daily.  Would that more priests did this!  My territorial parish does not offer confession times.  You have to track the priest down.  Neither does he preach on sin, confession, etc....  Neither is there a choice for anonymity - confession takes place in the little (maybe 8' x 8') Eucharistic chapel which contains our tabernacle.  It is face-to-face ONLY, even for those of us who  requested an anonymous option - this option was not rejected as much as it was ridiculed (I know, because I was the one who asked).  I travel a considerable distance to receive this Sacrament, but even with all the challenges involved...IT IS WORTH IT!!

Go to confession!!

(I'll continue with his point # 2 later).

Sunday, October 7, 2012

A Prayer

I have ceased to question you, My Lord,
except to know Your Will.
These tears within my heart
are reminders of the wall You have dismantled,
leaving me open and vulnerable
to Your mercy and love.
Protecting myself has only kept me far from You.
The Way I have traveled to Your arms
has left me bruised and bloodied,
but in Your Presence my wounds are healed,
my heart made pure.
With each step taken closer to You,
each opening of my heart in trust,
I tremble with fear.
Yet, You know my heart.
You know my desire.
Take me and mold me;
hold me in the warmth of Your hands
until my heart is pliable
and ever ready to be made into
that which you desire of me.
Amen

Friday, September 28, 2012

Sorrowful Mysteries

I find myself deeply involved in the Sorrowful Mysteries when I pray the Rosary.  My "favorite" mysteries are the Joyful, but the deepest meditations - the ones in which I sometimes get lost - are those I find in the Sorrowful Mysteries.  Today I thought about the cross - who will carry their cross?  How many of us just stand there looking at it, afraid to pick it up - afraid of the possible pain and suffering involved?  Are there many of us willing to endure the pain of the scourging?  Or even small mortifications, like fasting?  Doesn't our society look upon suffering with derision, as something to be avoided at all costs?  Hasn't our focus become pleasure, on our own well-being, on our own will?  How many refuse to follow our Lord?  Refuse to follow the sorrowful path, which leads to final death and resurrection...even while still in the world, dying to our self so that we may rise in Him?

I find that the more I travel this path, the more I realize how far I am from the "ideal".  The more I see my faults, my failings, my sins.  But the more I see how far I have to go, the more willing I am to pick up my cross; the more willing I am to follow Jesus; the more willing I am to let Him lead me down the path he has chosen for me.  Ultimately, the more willing I am to search for and find JOY.



Who Do People Say You Are?

In today's Gospel, Jesus asks his apostles who people say he is.  Then he asked who they said he was.  That made me think:  To the world, who is this Jesus?  I hear he was a good man, a prophet, an historical figure, an enlightened master, a champion of social justice, misguided, non-existent.  Even people who claim to be Christian will sometimes answer first with one of the above.  It just isn't politically correct to "believe" anymore, is it?

So I asked myself, who do I say Jesus is?  (I know, not really fair)  Here is what I wrote, in the order in which I wrote:  The Son of God, My Lord & My Savior (who died for my sins and rose from the dead), My Love & My Life, My One & My All, My Lord & My God.

All I need is found in Him.
All I desire is within His hands.
He is that for which I long.
His is the breath that sustains me.
It is within His Sacred Heart that I place all my trust.

Would that my mind and heart were one, united in my desire, joined to my true Love, working together to do His Will.

**Who do people say you are?  If they wouldn't say you are a Christian...why not?

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Fill Me

At the risk of embarrassing myself, I am posting the prayer I wrote this morning -- for all 6 people who peruse my blog on any given day!  It is such a challenge to put such feelings into words, for I, at least, don't have the words and what I write seems so inadequate and also so easy for others to misconstrue, especially realizing the imagery that I tend to use.  Well, throwing caution to the winds, here goes:

I want You so deep within me
Beyond-beyond- I know not the words
I want to be filled with You
Full of Your Light and Your Presence
I want You as I have wanted nothing else
In truth, it is You I NEED
For without You I would have
No breath, no life, no soul
You are that which I seek
All I desire is contained within You
You are everything
Clean me of my attachments
Clear my heart of my own will
It is to You I long to cling
Your Will alone I long to follow
Drain me of myself
And fill me again with only You
Amen

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

What Makes Me Cry

I only cry when I am alone, or can reasonably be assured of no-one bothering me.  I cry during Eucharistic Adoration, and once I cried after a confession - the priest on the other side of the screen made me feel absolutely terrible about myself.  I got over it.  Good music can cause me to cry if I allow myself to be immersed within it.  Sad movies, sad stories, yes, these too.  But there is one thing that never fails to sadden me to the point of tears:  disrespect for life.

Of course, disrespect for life takes many forms.  When someone says they are "pro-life", abortion comes to mind.  But respect for life is not limited to the unborn.  The prisoner on death row, civilians in the middle of a war zone, the terminal or very elderly patient thinking about euthanasia, and many, many more situations are "life issues".  When we begin to lack a respect for life, I think we lose much of what makes us human.

A few years ago I heard of someone who had just found out she was pregnant.  She didn't want to be, so she had an abortion.  That made me cry.  It also caused me to start a Rosary for Life at our local church.  No one joined.  That, too, made me cry.  Is life really that controversial?  Can we not agree as humans that life is important enough to be valued?  Without life, what else matters?  If we aren't alive, then does universal health care really matter?  Does national defense really matter?  Does whether we have 3 or 6 county commissioners matter?  I am not an eloquent writer or speaker, but I feel to my core that we must value life, and if we do not then we are circling the drain faster than I thought.  We are sinking into an abyss, into a darkness. 

Here in Washington State the "Death with Dignity" act passed a couple of years ago.  If you are terminally ill, with a very short life expectancy, you can ask for a prescription which will provide you with drugs to end your life.  Of course, one must find a doctor who is willing to write this prescription.  Apparently that isn't too difficult to find.  This makes me cry, too.  I cannot discuss it intelligently right now - maybe later I will write some more on this.  Right now there is a situation hitting too close to home for me, and all I can do is cry and pray and cry some more.  Intelligent discussion will have to wait for another day.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Mount Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest

We went up this past weekend to the "mountains", probably our last opportunity before it starts to snow.  It was warm!  74 down at the ranger station and probably about 10 degrees cooler up top.  We have had a warm, dry September and lots of people were on the road doing the same thing we were doing.  But as is usual, once we parked and hit a trail, the people thinned out and we were pretty much on our own. 

I really miss serious hiking, since all we've done in the past few years have been simple walks.  I long for the day when I can put my Alice Pack on (yeah, I know - old fashioned me: external frame, army surplus - but hey, it works!), strap on a tent and a couple days' worth of provisions and just go.  Into the wilderness.  Into silence.  Into some time alone. Just me and the bears - well, OK, I can live without the bears!!

Well, here are some pictures.  I'm not going to label them, but the big snow-covered mountain is Mount Baker, which is an active, glaciated stratovolcano.  Pretty neat!






































We were a couple weeks early for fall colors, but unexpectedly came upon wildflowers in bloom.  Hope you enjoy the photos!  Have a great week.

"Become Who You Receive."

There is a parish off-island in which I feel at home.  The first time I went to this particular parish it was so my son could receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation prior to his First Communion.  It is a moderately-sized parish run by the Carmelite order, and I have been nothing but impressed by the priests whom I have met there.  And the parishioners - friendly in a non-pretentious, natural sort of way:  ready smiles, look you in the eye and say "Good Morning", a wide-range of ages, lots of real "community" spirit.  And the Mass is celebrated with great care and reverence, the rubrics are attended to, the Tabernacle is in plain view directly behind the altar.  Now, about the music :-)...but nothing in life is perfect!

We were traveling this past weekend, just taking a quick weekend trip.  I made it down for the 9am Mass, and their new Pastor had finally arrived, this being his first weekend at the parish.  Well, he started things off with a bang, good solid homily beginning with a story to drive home the point that we need to know who we are (by virtue of our Baptism), and that he could talk in such a radical way about the Real Presence - and he did speak strongly about the Eucharist - because he knew who he was.  We were challenged to know who we are and to act on that knowledge.  There were a couple hiccups in the technical running, which he handled well - the sacristan had apparently forgotten to include a corporal (oops!), which Fr. J then had to disappear into the sacristy to find, and the altar servers were not accustomed to some of his preferences.  But I am glad this parish has a good, orthodox priest who doesn't seem afraid to speak on Catholic doctrine.  The Western Discalced Carmelites seem to form their priests quite well.  This weekend I'll see if he is on par in regard to the Sacrament of Reconciliation with the two other OCD priests I've met at this parish. 

One thing Fr. J said, and I do believe I have heard it somewhere before, is that when we receive the Eucharist, we should "Become Who [we] receive".   I have of late been focusing on the Eucharist, and my worthy reception.  I carefully prepare by really paying attention during the parts of the Liturgy leading up to the Eucharist - my son and I have studied the Liturgy closely this summer, so this certainly has increased my awareness of many things - and then saying prayers of preparation as I wait.  I have noticed over the past few weeks that I feel an enormous sense of anticipation in this waiting but it is mixed in with an equally enormous sense of awe of what (who) I am about to receive.  I have begun the practice of kneeling to receive, which I came to after much study and prayer and thought.  It only seems proper to kneel when I receive my Lord.  When I arrive back at my pew/chair, though, it is almost like a post-adrenaline feeling of shakiness.  I tremble, my hands shake, I have to kneel or sit down.  I don't see how people can continue to stand when within them is Jesus - Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity.  I'm certain someone could discuss the psychological aspects of this feeling I have, but all I can say is I completely understand the stories I have heard of many saints who could not get through the Mass without tears - and their desire to immediately say or participate in another Mass of thanksgiving, for there are times I could sit for 30 minutes or more, just sit with my Lord, and be with Him as he physically resides within me.





Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My favorite 4-yr old

The younger of my red-headed boys, a solid 4 years old with a mischievous twinkle permanently in his eyes (we knew we were in trouble when he was born and we couldn't get off-island since he was in such a hurry!), was found in the bathroom last week draping towels over himself, looking suspiciously like he was trying to fashion a chasuble.  Well, he was.  I asked him what he was doing and he raised his arms out to the side and said he was pretending to be a priest.  Yesterday, he said "I want to be a priest when I grow up."  He made this momma proud - I'd love for my boys to seriously consider the priesthood as a vocation, and if called, to answer the call in the affirmative...but only if they decide to join the OPs (right, Fr. P.??).  

Speaking of Dominicans, if you enjoy sacred music done well, I just discovered a great little CD (well, I guess it discovered me).  Although not of "professional quality", it is quite good and I have been enjoying it immensely.  Purchase of the CD supports the ministries of the Western Dominican Province.  Here's the info:  www.frozenfriars.com .

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

September 11

This year the anniversary of Sept. 11 snuck up on me.  I had become enmeshed in my own life and hadn't been paying much attention to what time of year it was.  Each year I do three things on 9/11:  pray, look through Life: One Nation, America Remembers September 11, 2001, and read Captain America: The New Deal.  People are often surprised at the last one - why would I read a comic book to remember 9/11?  Well, if you've read it you'll understand - and if you haven't, then you should!
(http://www.amazon.com/Captain-America-The-New-Deal/dp/B005M4SXC6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347393359&sr=8-1&keywords=captain+america%3A+the+new+deal)

The first words are: "It doesn't matter where you thought you were going today." Then several panels later: "You're part of the bomb now." And on page two, with an amazingly poignant background:  "Oh, God...How could this happen here? We've got to be strong -- Stronger than we've ever been. If we lose hope here-- Bury our faith in this darkness -- Then nothing else matters.  They've won."   Then Cap, at the site searching for survivors - seeing and reaching for a hand, thinks:  "This time...This time...Let it not be...Too late"  Much of the book is written from the mind of Steve Rogers/Capt. America.  Still at the site he thinks (over several panels and two pages): "Is this the face of your Great Satan?  Is this your offering to your God?  Your worship?  Your prayer?  Butchers...Tell the children this is a holy war.  But we've seen what stands behind you.  Heard them screaming open.  The gates of hell."  It is incredibly written - incredibly drawn - it probably helps to know about the character, but I have found this to be the best way to remember, for it is not just pictures, but the story of one man's journey through his own guilt and pain, and betrayal.  I say through, for he does go right through - one would expect nothing less of Captain America.

My husband this morning said he remembered going to get breakfast that morning, 11 years ago.  We were in  a hotel on a road trip, in Anacortes, WA, just prior to boarding a ferry for San Juan Island - it all seemed so unreal.  Even once we arrived at our room in Roche Harbor, San Juan Island, and met up with his friend, we couldn't stop talking about it and watching it.  But when our then 2 year old began to fly his Hot Wheels Plane into the sides of things, we got the picture that it was time to turn the news off! 

Remember, pray, reflect.  Forgive. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

It Is Not Good For Man To Be A Lone...Goose

Yesterday I had a great adventure - I drove to Seattle.  Now this may not sound like much, but I haven't done any city driving since we moved 10 years ago and I drove in New Orleans rush hour traffic to the airport.  I must say that my repertoire of "colorful language" has greatly diminished in that decade. 

So I awoke at 5:30am - and was out the door by 6:15am to catch the 7:15am boat.


View from carport as I was preparing to leave.

Waiting in line for the ferry - hey, why do we still have an IHC parking decal?
(and it's still valid!!)


View from the parking lot. 
The boat was running just a little bit late, but we loaded up, and we were off.  It was a bit chilly (low 50s), so I didn't get too many pictures...because I'm a wimp, and once I was curled up in my blanket I really didn't want to get out of the car!  But, prior to the cocoon stage, I did manage to take a few pictures from the boat.

Looking back at the ferry landing as we make our way to Shaw Island.
Interisland ferry coming in to dock.
Kinda hard to take pictures as we head directly into the sun - and, did I mention
it was cold??
I snuggled up for the rest of the ride (yes, I know, I'm anti-social; sure I could have gone upstairs where it would be warm, but then I'd have to deal with....people).  This particular ferry trip takes about 75 minutes total.

Then after stopping for fuel, I just drove - I'd really like to thank all those drivers on I-5 Saturday morning for driving well; it made all the difference.  So, why was I heading down to the Big City?:  To meet with a potential Spiritual Director. (Thanks for the tip on those "Seattle Dominicans" Fr. P.!!)   The meeting went well - I never do well at first meetings, but I made it through and didn't seem to shock Fr. L. too much :-).  So I got back in the car and headed back up to do some quick shopping (milk is $3/gallon cheaper on the mainland!) and find my way to St. Mary's for Mass.  Beautiful Mass - fantastic men's chant choir, reverent and orthodox pastor, prepared homily, and for once the parishoners were actually almost friendly!  After Mass I headed down to the ferry landing for my return trip on the 7:20pm boat. 

And now for a different perspective:

"Perspective" shot of the Anacortes ferry landing
The boat wasn't full, so I got a "choice" spot (purely by luck). 


Picture from the car of the view front of the ferry boat - when it is full, cars
are parked all the way down the "hill" and right up to the rope.
This boat will hold approximately 144 cars, and 2000 people.
Just some more random shots from the boat (I used our Canon Eos Rebel SLR: I only brought one lens, the 18-55mm, but wished I had brought the others.  Oh well! Next time.).  It has two levels of car-parking on each side with a large section in the middle for trucks and large vehicles. I was so enamored of the water (as usual) that I forgot to turn and take a picture of the inside of the boat. But everything that comes to the island must come by water or air - at least we are ferry served; some islands aren't.



Some of the "traffic" we encounter on our highway home.


Ahh, the road home!

Turning into the sun - I began and ended my day
traveling toward the Light...what more can one ask?

A little cross-traffic.

Feeling artistic.

Not the best sunset shot, but it's what I've got!!
 Most of the evening shots were taken at the bow of the boat, as we were clipping along at about 15 knots.  I had forgotten just how much fun it is to lean into the strong, cold wind, attempting to steady myself against both the wind and the boat's movement while taking a picture.  I was grinning from ear to ear by the time I was done - simple pleasures, I suppose.  And the car sure felt nice and warm by the time I got back into it!

I was home by around 9pm - in bed by 9:30.  Long day, but worth it.  Really. Worth. It.

So I was awake this morning around 5:30am, in the silent pre-dawn hours, and I heard a lone goose fly by the house.  Sounded lonely.  It reminded me of part of the homily I had heard at Mass.  We are not meant to walk the spiritual path alone - we are to have companions with us.  Just as Jesus sent the disciples out two-by-two, just as there were two on the road to Emmaus - we should seek, if necessary, spiritual companions and spiritual directors.  This priest had had a seminarian with him for the summer, and he told a story of how much he enjoyed talking with him throughout the summer.  The day after he left, Father was making breakfast and called out, asking the seminarian if he would like some breakfast, too - he was, of course, met with silence.  This goose, flying alone, looking for his flock brought this to me:  so many of our diocesan priests live alone.  Those who live in community (even if they don't like their community members!), are not "alone" - they always have a brother nearby.  It solves part of a puzzle for me, and has added an extra dimension to the prayers I regularly pray for, what is becoming, a large number of priests.

Hope you enjoyed the trip - no pictures of the "city", but I was trying to get in and out as quickly as possible!!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

14th OT, Wednesday, Year II

"The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand."
"...break up for yourselves a new field, for it is time to seek the Lord."

Lord,
I seek your face. I desire your touch.  I long to kiss your feet.  Do not turn your face from me - I am yours; do with me as you will.  Show me the path, lead me to your holy place.  Keep me safe from the enemy - let not his words corrupt me.  For you are my God, my king, the one to whom I turn.  You are the joy of my life.  Show me the way, I will follow.  Show me the work, I will labor.  Remove from me my guilt, absolve me of my great sin; make me pure before you.  Test me and cleanse me with fire that I may be strong for the battle.  Teach me your ways so I can walk in your footsteps forever.
Amen.

St Anselm

"Teach me to seek you, and reveal yourself to me as I seek you; for unless you instruct me I cannot seek you, and unless you reveal yourself I cannot find you.  Let me seek you in desiring you; let me desire you in seeking you.  Let me find you in loving you; let me love you in finding you.
Amen."

Friday, July 6, 2012

Morning Reflection

Wk 13 in Ordinary Time, Friday, Year II

In your unfathomable mercy, hear me O Lord.  I am surrounded by those who do not know You.  They refuse Your Name.  I try to walk Your narrow path, but it is darkness all around.  Many dangers and traps are before me.  Protect me, my God.  I desire to see You - what will You have me do?  How shall I convert a heathen and Godless people?  My words are too soft, my example too quiet.  I am invisible, and those who do see me are blind toYou.  Guide me, show me; put Your Words in my mouth, Your Light into my heart.  Take not Your Word from me:  I hunger already for more!!  Feed me, Lord, give me strength, for I feel the battle looming.
Amen.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Tent Caterpillar Dance

They are finally gone (for this year).  In the South, where I grew up, we had various and assorted insects and crawling/flying creatures.  "Red-neck" roaches, chiggers, horse flies, yellow flies...I could go on, but you get the idea.  My father worked for a chemical company, so we had a toxic arsenal at our fingertips.  I guess when we started seeing mutated roaches we should have wondered...but that's another story altogether! 

Here in this pristine slice of heaven, there is a scourge know as tent caterpillars.  http://gardening.wsu.edu/library/inse003/inse003.htm.  We had a pretty bad year, with some of my friends' apple trees being almost entirely de-foliated.  Our alders were pretty well covered, too.  They are mostly just annoying, but when they invaded my strawberry patch, war was declared!  I'm really not nearly as nice as people think I am :-).  Many died at my hands and feet.  Strawberries are worth fighting for!

So as I was walking under an alder one day, they fought back!  A gentle breeze, a clear sky ... and a dozen or so precious little caterpillars waiting to ambush.  They fell from the tree ("fell?" ... I think not! It was a premeditated attack!), and the dance began.  High impact, all major muscle groups working simultaneously:  sounds like a good way to exercise -- but not when the dance involves wriggling caterpillars in your hair and clothes.  Yes, there are vocalizations involved, too!  More perished - and I now look up warily when passing under trees. 

But they still can't have my strawberries!!

Ramblings on Today's Readings

Today I read  the daily readings (13th Week OT, Thursday, Year II) and decided to just write - maybe I"ll do this more regularly.  I never really know what I am going to write; usually my words come out as a prayer, sometimes as bad poetry, rarely as just prose.  My process is to read in prayer, say a quick prayer, and just put my pen to paper and see what comes of it.  Here is today's rambling:

Lord,
You have called us and we have not answered.  We have rebelled against your precepts and your very love.  Our hearts are hard.  Your prophets are not heard - they are unknown to us.  We spurn your Word and banish from our hearts all thought of you.  You chastise us, you warn us - we do not listen.  We have chosen other gods; we are our own gods, power and wealth are our gods.  Humble us O, Lord.  Bring us to our knees so that we may again see your face and feel your touch and listen to your Word.  We have banished all thought of you; we no longer have faith.  We prefer to live in the royal temple of our own making:  we deserve your wrath and our own exile.  But your law shall refresh us, you shall bring rejoicing to us once more.  Bring us courage, give us strength, show us how to know you again.  Remove the evil thoughts from our minds and command us to "rise and walk."  Give us the faith that we seem to have lost.  Fill us with your Love so that our hearts are overflowing.
Amen.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Eucharist, Prayer group Pt II

June 25, 2012 St Francis Prayer Group

V:  O God, come to my assistance.
R: Lord, make haste to help me

St. Padre Pio – Stay With Me Lord

Precious Lord, Take My Hand 702

Litany of the Holy Name of Jesus page 113 Treasures Holy & Mystical

O Sacrament Most Holy 325

Sharing?

Eucharist Continued:  More about the meal aspect
(from Bread of Life Cup of Salvation, John Baldovin, SJ)

(disclaimer:  one must always read the NT in light of the OT; consider that Christianity and Judaism are “siblings”, not parent-child; it is possible to claim Christianity as the older religion since Rabbinic Judaism did not come about until 70AD, BUT we must remember and re-affirm Jesus’ Judaism)

*Constitution on the Sacred Liturgy, 47  (pg. 12)

*What does the NT tell us about how to celebrate the Eucharist?
            No detailed rules; St Paul, 1 Cor 11-12 assumes they already know how.

*Eating and drinking in the ancient world:
            -food and with whom you share it was very important
            -Ritual Purity (ritual impurity = inability to offer sacrifice at the Temple): touch,  
            under same roof, eat meal
            -Scarcity of Food: particularly meat – usually only shared after sacrifice;  “we
            need to remember that Jesus’ teaching and actions took place in a world of
            poverty where a banquet would be truly extravagant because people were hungry
            most of the time.” (18) and there was little separation btwn religious and social, so
            feasts would inevitably have a religious character.
            -Jewish meals were framed by formal blessings:  (1)recognize how God blesses
            people/things (“the Lord bless you and keep you….”; (2)God is blessed for
            something, to “bless God” – we adapt this notion: “Blessed are you, Lord God of
            all creation….”.  Pious Jews blessed God continually, morning, noon & night.
            “…nothing seems to be accessible to men and women unless God is blessed for it.
            There is a profound spirituality here and it lies at the basis of the Mass:  things are
            good and holy for us only when we put them in the proper perspective – when we
            recognize God as their source.” (19)

*Formal Jewish meals were framed by blessings:  first cup of wine – for bread broken and shared and the second cup of wine at the end of meal (cup of blessing), this most likely being the major blessing. (berakah – to bless).  “One cannot understand our Eucharistic prayers without recognizing that they have their origins in Jewish formulas of blessing and prayers of thanksgiving for favors that God has granted.” (19)

Take a look at the Last Supper narratives:
Matthew 26:26-29  (Palestinian tradition)
Mark 14: 22-25, Luke 22:15-20; 1Cor 11:23-26 (Antiochene tradition)

*was it a Passover meal?  (the evening of the first full moon of the first spring month of the year) – discrepancy among the Gospels: Mt, Mk, Lk all place the meal on the evening after the Passover lambs are slaughtered, but in John Jesus dies at the same time as the slaughter of the lambs – still debated! So it took place at the time of /atmosphere of the Passover: “For Christ, our paschal lamb, has been sacrificed.” (1Cor 5:7)



*Pray the Novena Sacramentum Caritatis, pg 14 Treasures Holy & Mystical (start Tuesday to end on July 4)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Mea Maxima Culpa

I have been trying to make it to confession on a regular basis.  Our little church does not have scheduled times for the sacrament, so even though I longed for the sacrament I did not receive it.  I now take a one hour ferry trip and then drive another hour just so I can received the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Nearly 3 years ago I returned to Mass.  For 7 months I did not receive Communion, because even though I asked two or three times the priest never had time for my confession.  To be fair, I was exceedingly shy about asking and probably didn't express my great need.  It was difficult for me, feeling the heavy weight on my soul and the guilt that accompanied the weight, to really press for confession from a priest who didn't seem to want to offer it.  In so many ways I didn't feel worthy of the sacrament, and without realizing it, our priest validated that feeling.

Even today, I stand in line, heart pounding and trying to stay put until it is my turn.  It takes great force of will to stand there and not bolt for the door.  Yes, I make an extra effort to receive the sacrament - but it frightens me every time.  Life experiences exacerabate the normal anxiety, and when I am in the confessional I feel exceptionally vulnerable.  I find that I am in a battle between the wall that threatens to shut down my feeling-heart and the fear that threatens to make me run - to find a way to just sit with the vulnerability is a difficult challenge.  I feel sorry for the priest each time, for I enter and then cannot speak for quite some time as I fight that unseen battle. After "bless me Father for I have sinned", I am struck mute!

But even though it is difficult, I find that this is part of the beauty of the sacrament.  For me, feeling that vulnerability reminds me of my ultimate dependence upon God.  If I can remember that the priest is acting in Persona Christi, then I can pour out my soul to the Lord; let my sins be washed away as part of the very act of accepting my vulnerability and offering that to Jesus.

Of course, in confession we are absolved of our sins, but isn't a big part of this accepting the fact that we are vulnerable?  That we can sit there and humble ourselves a little, reflecting on our faults and failings, and confessing our sincere sorrow for them to another person?  Firmly intending to make up for them, firmly intending to be better, and asking for God's grace in the understanding that we truly cannot do it by ourselves?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Eucharist, Week One

June 19, 2012 St. Francis Prayer Group

 V: O God, come to my assistance.
R: Lord, make haste to help me.

Sacramentum Caritatis

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the desolate pit,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust,
who does not turn to the proud,
to those who go astray after false gods!

You have multiplied, O Lord my God,,
your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us;
none can compare with you!
Were I to proclaim and tell of them,
they would be more than can be numbered.
Sacrifice and offering you do not desire;
but you have given me an open ear.
Burnt offering and sin offering
you have not required.

Then I said, “Behold, I come;
in the roll of the book it is written of me;
I delight to do your will, O my God;
your law is written within my heart.”
I have told the glad news of deliverance
in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
as you know, O Lord.

I have not hidden your saving help within my heart,
I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your mercy and your faithfulness
from the great congregation.
Do not, O Lord, withhold
your compassion from me,
let your mercy and your faithfulness
ever preserve me!

For evils have encompassed me
without number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
till I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
my heart fails me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
O Lord, make haste to help me!

*****
Day One: Novena Sacramentum Caritatis
(From Treasures Holy & Mystical Fr. Philip Neri Powell, OP)
I.                   Opening Prayer
II.                Day One:  Christ Makes a gift of himself: Reading
III.             Meditation:  What do I find amazing in the Eucharist?  What wonders do I experience?  What does it mean for me to know Christ loves us “to the end”?
(take 10 minutes to meditate on these questions, come back and discuss)
IV.             Closing Prayer

:-) Homework: Using the book, Treasures Holy & Mystical, pray the Novena Sacramentum Caritatis. 

Shepherd of Souls
O Sacrament Most Holy

*****
Anything to share?

Food, Glorious Food (chapter 1: Bread of Life, Cup of Salvation by Baldovin)
“ Ever since Eve ate apples, much depends on dinner.”  -- Lord Byron

Eating: fundmental, without food – no life, without sharing food – not much significance in life
Why bother with the Eucharist? 
I believe in God – why can’t I practice my faith at home, in nature, doing service?  Why must I go to church week after week?
Easy answer:  Because Jesus told us to, at the Last Supper “do this in memory of me”
            (Jewish idea of memorial)

The Liturgy Constitution:
            From the liturgy, therefore, particularly the Eucharist, grace is poured forth upon us as from a fountain; the liturgy is the source for achieving in the most effective way possible human sanctification and God’s glorification, the end to which all the Church’s other activities are directed.

Mass is central to Christian living – goes right to the heart of what it is to be Christian

“For Catholics the Eucharist is not simply a way of worshipping God, it is the privileged means of experiencing the presence of Jesus Christ and participating in his work of redeeming the world.” (3)

From what did Jesus save the world?  Is there something about the human condition that needs saving?  (yes) We are trapped in a sinful condition and cannot be united to God through our own efforts.

We are more than our bodies; we have difficulty dealing with our limitations (need to eat, drink – grow old, die).  We know there is more than this, but we cannot escape our physicality:  we cannot escape this as we strive to be more.  Outside the body, there is no salvation.(3-4).  But we never consider enough to be enough – there has to be more.

Origin of sin centers around eating – cannot live without food, nor can we live without meaning.  This story combines eating and significance: they clearly have “enough”, but they want more, and they want it their way, not God’s – so they get more by eating what is not theirs to eat.  So, if eating is the form of the Fall  it is also the form of Redemption – the Eucharist is the powerful antidote to original sin, the antidote to the “apple” taken in Eden.

Could we define sin as: “a radical turning away from God and a turning in toward oneself in a desperate effort to achieve self-significance”? (5-6)  (selfishness….or better, self-centeredness)  We cannot let “God be God” – consider:  is this “first” sin deliberate disobedience? Or a sign of immaturity?

So humankind “grasped” at being like God, and Christ came to undo this.
See Phil 2:5-9

“If sin is grasping, then redemption is letting go.  If sin means symbolically grabbing at food, then redemption means sharing it and giving it away.” (6)  The reality of the Mass is seen in the process of divine self-emptying in ritual.
“Jesus makes himself literally the food of Christians. And so what is potentially the source of sin and self-centeredness becomes the source of reversing sin.” (7)

Eucharist (or Thanksgiving”) – sharing food and drink signifies the sharing of oneself just as Jesus did – important to remember Jesus gave not “something” but gave himself, and the only appropriate response is our own self-giving.

The “Eucharistic sacrifice” – there is difficulty in the idea of sacrifice – free self-sacrifice, for the sacrifice of Christ arose from his own freedom and the same needs to be true of us.  (Rom 12:1)

Jesus showed that true sacrifice is about offering oneself freely to God, others – in faith, hope, trust.

Shared ritual meal – antidote to selfishness: sharing and acceptance = true humanity; “communal sharing in the context of faith in God is the true source of joy.” (9)

Reflection questions:

  1. What moves me or leaves me cold in the celebration of the Mass? Why?
  2. What’s the connection between eating and drinking and the celebration of the Eucharist?
  3. How does Jesus undo the sinfulness of the human condition?
  4. How does the Mass relate to Jesus’ person and activity?
Intercessions, closing prayer